Breaking Silence: My Journey Through Domestic Abuse and Healing PT. Poe
I recently broke my silence on big things that have happened in my life in a big way. One way was calling out my husband for continuing to refuse a divorce after almost 13 years as the only way he has to maintain control over me. In honor of breaking my silence and in observance with Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I have decided to share my various stories of abuse. I’ve experienced a lot, if I’m honest, with a lot of people. To keep on track, I will only be focusing on the fellas I actually shared a home with. (I acknowledge that I have had a lot of relationships. It is worth noting I do not accuse all of my exes and I am, in fact, friends with some of them.)
Some of you may find this series unbelievable. I understand; not everyone recognizes the cycles and patterns of abuse. Not everyone understands the generational trauma that so many of us witness and relive until we decide to break the cycles. The first step to breaking the cycle is awareness. The second is knowledge and identification of abuse. The third is real people sharing their real stories to help break the shame surrounding the abuse we’ve suffered and the silence that the patriarchy benefits from.
It is my goal to illustrate some aspects that we don’t always immediately recognize as red flags. If you’ve always been blessed to have a functioning nervous system and don’t care to see other perspectives, this series isn’t for you—and honestly, I may not be for you. But if you are open to different perspectives and, like me, grew up licking love off of knives or being spoon-fed general dysfunction, please stick around.
It is best to start at the beginning. So, let’s begin with the boy I dated when I was a freshly minted “adult.” At 17, I was living in an apartment, having recently graduated from a pre-independent living program after living in a group home. We aren’t here to talk about how I got there. I was no longer eligible for the program because I had graduated high school a semester early, so I went to college, worked, and lived independently at 17. Poe and I met on one of the two buses I took to and from school each day. I was enamored with Poe, and Poe was enamored with me.
We became fast friends, and he quickly divulged a laundry list of mental health disorders. I was young and naive, studying psychology, and thought I could handle it. At some point, he stopped taking all of his medications. What ensued was unintentional, but very real harm—for both of us. I debated even including this story for a couple of reasons: one, I believe I was partially culpable—I was in some kind of spiritual psychosis and thought I could heal him; and two, I am very aware that he was not well.
As far as I know, Poe is usually doing well these days, and I have no ill feelings towards him. I’m sharing this story strictly because it highlights some heavy abuse tactics. He would often show up to my job in hysterics, claiming that demons in our apartment were causing problems—not to cause me trouble, but a lot of abusers will use this tactic to make you lose your job to keep you trapped. I eventually dropped out of school, worked two jobs, and left or lost both, either directly or indirectly because of him.
He would manufacture crises, keeping me in a state of fight or flight. This can be done on purpose to keep the target confused and stressed. Again, his motivation was not to cause problems; unfortunately, the outcome was the same. He would wake me up while I tried to sleep. Sleep deprivation isn’t just any ol’ kind of abuse; it’s legit torture. And that’s why I ultimately decided to put Poe in this series. It showcases some of the more insidious and difficult-to-catch signs of abuse. It’s all crazy-making behavior.
As I continue to unpack my experiences, I invite you to join me in this series. Let’s create a safe space for sharing our stories and learning from one another. I hope to hear from you, whether it’s through comments, messages, or sharing your own experiences. Together, we can foster understanding and support, paving the way for a healthier future.
With Love and Compassion,
Mia Marie
