Breaking Silence: My Journey Through Domestic Abuse and Healing PT. Poe
I recently broke my silence on big things that have happened in my life in a big way. One way was calling out my husband for continuing to refuse a divorce after almost 13 years as the only way he has to maintain control over me. In honor of breaking my silence and in observance with Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I have decided to share my various stories of abuse. I’ve experienced a lot, if I’m honest, with a lot of people. To keep on track, I will only be focusing on the fellas I actually shared a home with. (I acknowledge that I have had a lot of relationships. It is worth noting I do not accuse all of my exes and I am, in fact, friends with some of them.)
Some of you may find this series unbelievable. I understand; not everyone recognizes the cycles and patterns of abuse. Not everyone understands the generational trauma that so many of us witness and relive until we decide to break the cycles. The first step to breaking the cycle is awareness. The second is knowledge and identification of abuse. The third is real people sharing their real stories to help break the shame surrounding the abuse we’ve suffered and the silence that the patriarchy benefits from.
It is my goal to illustrate some aspects that we don’t always immediately recognize as red flags. If you’ve always been blessed to have a functioning nervous system and don’t care to see other perspectives, this series isn’t for you—and honestly, I may not be for you. But if you are open to different perspectives and, like me, grew up licking love off of knives or being spoon-fed general dysfunction, please stick around.
It is best to start at the beginning. So, let’s begin with the boy I dated when I was a freshly minted “adult.” At 17, I was living in an apartment, having recently graduated from a pre-independent living program after living in a group home. We aren’t here to talk about how I got there. I was no longer eligible for the program because I had graduated high school a semester early, so I went to college, worked, and lived independently at 17. Poe and I met on one of the two buses I took to and from school each day. I was enamored with Poe, and Poe was enamored with me.
We became fast friends, and he quickly divulged a laundry list of mental health disorders. I was young and naive, studying psychology, and thought I could handle it. At some point, he stopped taking all of his medications. What ensued was unintentional, but very real harm—for both of us. I debated even including this story for a couple of reasons: one, I believe I was partially culpable—I was in some kind of spiritual psychosis and thought I could heal him; and two, I am very aware that he was not well.
As far as I know, Poe is usually doing well these days, and I have no ill feelings towards him. I’m sharing this story strictly because it highlights some heavy abuse tactics. He would often show up to my job in hysterics, claiming that demons in our apartment were causing problems—not to cause me trouble, but a lot of abusers will use this tactic to make you lose your job to keep you trapped. I eventually dropped out of school, worked two jobs, and left or lost both, either directly or indirectly because of him.
He would manufacture crises, keeping me in a state of fight or flight. This can be done on purpose to keep the target confused and stressed. Again, his motivation was not to cause problems; unfortunately, the outcome was the same. He would wake me up while I tried to sleep. Sleep deprivation isn’t just any ol’ kind of abuse; it’s legit torture. And that’s why I ultimately decided to put Poe in this series. It showcases some of the more insidious and difficult-to-catch signs of abuse. It’s all crazy-making behavior.
As I continue to unpack my experiences, I invite you to join me in this series. Let’s create a safe space for sharing our stories and learning from one another. I hope to hear from you, whether it’s through comments, messages, or sharing your own experiences. Together, we can foster understanding and support, paving the way for a healthier future.
With Love and Compassion,
Mia Marie
Book Review: The Power of Trauma Informed Yoga
Recently, I realized I needed to start reading again—there’s something about writing truths I haven’t fully embodied in a while that pushes me to do better. I’ve also been neglecting several books I’ve collected over the years, all relevant to this blog. 😅 I decided to begin with The Power of Trauma-Informed Yoga by Sue Berman. Friends, this is *the* book I wish had existed when I began my healing journey. It’s so well-crafted that it inspired me to start reviewing books on this here blog. I truly believe anyone on a self-help or healing journey can benefit from the wisdom Berman expertly weaves through her anecdotes and insights as both a trauma-informed yoga instructor and someone who has personally benefited from the practice.
Berman begins by ensuring readers have a solid framework for discussing trauma, emphasizing the importance of a shared vocabulary for this sensitive and multifaceted topic. I anticipated these early chapters would be dry, as I’m not a patient reader and don’t love revisiting familiar concepts. However, Berman presents the material in a clear, concise way that makes it easy to follow, even if you're already familiar with the subject. I appreciate the thorough explanation of trauma, including the various ways it manifests, along with insightful tips on managing triggers. I also appreciate the stories she weaves into the book to underscore the humanness of trauma.
Once we’re all sharing the same language, Berman shares her personal journey with trauma, healing, and the power of trauma-informed yoga before explaining what trauma-informed yoga is. I don’t want to spoil her powerful story, not even a little for the sake of explanation, but I will say that I believe the trauma she describes is less common than what we usually see discussed in these spaces. Once again, she lays out the information clearly and concisely. Berman even provides a helpful chart differentiating between “traditional yoga” and trauma-informed yoga. I put "traditional yoga" in quotes because when we say traditional yoga in the West, we’re often referring to a type of yoga that is actually the most modern form and I’m not *actually* sure which she means, but I digress. She goes on to further explain how specific aspects of yoga help alleviate different aspects of trauma. There is even an entire chapter dedicated to breath!
Sue Berman spends the rest of the book offering tips on setting up safe spaces to practice, highlighting the importance of being mindful and compassionate to ourselves and others. Additionally, Berman offers several asanas (or postures) and how to cue them, making this book a helpful resource for both individuals interested in practicing on their own and those already working in the field who may want to offer trauma-informed yoga themselves. Overall, I think Berman has done an excellent job of providing a solid starting point for anyone who has experienced trauma and is interested in yoga but doesn’t know where to begin. This book truly illustrates, as its title suggests, The Power of Trauma-Informed Yoga.
10/10 - Do recommend
Read this book, and love yourself better,
Mia Marie
Crystals and Healing
Whenever someone finds out that I’m a little “witchy” or “woo-woo,” a common question I get asked is, “What are your thoughts on crystals?” Usually, this question is prompted by me offering some offhand herbal advice. I’ll talk more about that in later posts. This question about my thoughts on crystals is valid. On one hand, by the time these topics come up, I have usually proven myself to be a fairly rational and well-researched person. However, writing this, it does occur to me that perhaps this question isn’t always asked genuinely. Regardless of the intent, my answer is always the same: “I’m not really sure, actually.”
Early Experiences with Crystals
Crystals were one of the first tools I looked at, other than tarot and the diet connection. I was working with crystals even before Reiki and Yoga. Ultimately, I believe they helped. I am not sure that I will ever be fully convinced that it was more than a placebo effect. However, I did have some interesting experiences with crystals over the years that are undeniably correlated. I’ll share some anecdotes and some backstory about my experiences.
A Journey into Healing
When I started my journey into crystals, I had been in talk therapy and diagnosed with C-PTSD. My therapist was great, but as with many others with C-PTSD, talk therapy wasn’t much help beyond validating what I had gone through and the work I did to understand it prior to therapy. It turns out actualizing and intellectualizing aren’t the great solution I assumed them to be. This left me looking for other ways to calm my nervous system and move through life with healthy perspectives. Some other things I was working with at the time were cannabis and other mild but legal psychoactive herbs, a CBT workbook, and a homemade gratitude journal. An important piece of information that wasn’t available to me at the time was that the relationship I was in was one of the more damaging partnerships I had been in my adult life. I had been with some real winners, including a man who I quickly understood was ramping up to physical abuse and would sniff me down if I was five minutes late walking home from work in the winter. I tell you all of this to paint a picture of where I was mentally before deciding to work with crystals.
Rose Quartz: A Catalyst for Change
The first crystal I decided to work with was rose quartz. It is said to help with self-love. I KNEW I was struggling with that based on the way I would speak to myself, causing an anxiety spiral. These anxiety spirals would cause me to become hyper-controlling of my environment and lash out easily. Shortly after I started working with rose quartz, i.e., throwing a piece in my bra every day, I started to do two things that I would have never really expected me to do: yoga and meditation. It's funny, actually, because I remember when I would ask a medicine man and a self-proclaimed prophet for advice, I was often told to go within, and I would scoff. “I simply CANNOT meditate,” I would retort. My ADHD does, in fact, make achieving a meditative state more difficult, but it turns out that I can, in fact, meditate. These two things would prove to be some of the most powerful acts of self-love that I can practice for myself. Do I believe rose quartz to be responsible for this change in direction? No, not really. Do I think that the ritual act of picking up the rose quartz off of my nightstand, throwing it in my bra, and remembering to focus on self-love was a catalyst? Yes, but not necessarily the vibe of the crystal, ya know?
Picasso Stone and Creativity
Another stone I ended up working with wasn’t one I sought out exactly. I was wandering through some metaphysical shop, perusing the aisles for books and tarot cards, and my eyes landed on a stone I hadn’t seen or read about. I picked it up and bought it. I researched the Picasso Stone later and found that it was supposed to heighten creativity. I started working with the stone, though this time I believe I put it on a makeshift crystal grid of sorts on a bookshelf in my makeshift home office. Around this time, I learned how to make shower steamers. I was aiming for bath bombs, but hey, it was a fun craft. My best friend understood the assignment and perfected my vision. Together, she made and we sold 400 of our “ritual” bath bombs. (Friend, if you are reading this, I would love a bath bomb!) Here again, we have a “Was it the stone or intentional and inspired action?”
Moonstone and Relationships
The last story I’ll share about crystals for now is my moonstone story. Did you guys see the moldavite trend on TikTok? Too niche? Well, back in 2020, a bunch of folks bought moldavite and have come back telling stories about how their world got flipped on its head in what I call a tower moment. This also allowed them to build back better. I recently saw a TT alleging that moonstone is similar but for relationships. Some time early on in my crystal journey, I bought a moonstone ring. I wore this on my left index finger. I don’t know if this was “right,” and I don’t care. I don’t think that the tools and modalities we use always have to have rigid rules. If that helps you, cool, but I will continue to be my spiritual authority and would encourage you to be that for yourself. So I was in this relationship with the fella I mentioned earlier. We were a team for work, we were raising his daughter, and I was doing the lion's share of what was paying us and keeping up with the house and childcare, among cooking and hosting two separate holiday meals. The lifestyle of working from home and taking care of my house felt really nice. Unfortunately, this partner felt that because his name was on the business, he did enough. I would express needing help, and he would tell me in action that I was unworthy, just absolutely echoing my fears and internalized beliefs from childhood. This is actually why I chose moonstone. I knew the problem had to be that I was not in touch with my femininity. Clearly, I was too masculine, and that was why I was struggling to keep up with everything. My partner also questioned me about literally everything. Small decisions would require me to explain myself and result in a 10-20 minute argument. It did not help that for about six months, my mother was living with us. My mental health was... not great. At one point around Christmas, my friend had to physically take a pair of scissors out of my hand for fear of witnessing self-harm, a behavior I hadn’t struggled with since high school and haven’t felt again since. Again, I’m just painting the picture here. Eventually, my mother moved out. I expected things to get better, but they somehow went from bad to worse. The last argument I had with this man was so bewildering that I admitted to a mutual friend that I felt like running away. She, from what I can tell, immediately called him to tell him this. (Katie, I hope you heal and be thankful I never shared your secrets.) This led to a discussion where I admitted to wanting to be deleted from the population for months, and he broke up with me. He left the home his mom bought for us to live in to give me time to get out, and I immediately called his sister, my best friend. By the time she got there, I was done crying and had decided that him calling it off was the best thing for me. I healed, got my own place, and started working on MY life again.
Reflections on Crystals
The moonstone obviously can’t be blamed for the downfall of a toxic relationship that should have been left alone to start. However, it is an interesting correlation. All of my experiences got me thinking, do these solidified earth excretions actually hold power? So I looked around and found mostly anecdotal evidence from folks I fear don’t know the difference between science and pseudoscience. No hate or shade to them or anyone—I am, after all, a bit woo-woo. It just wasn’t the answer I was looking for; I could provide that evidence for myself. What I eventually found were excerpts from Nikola Tesla's work involving crystals and their vibrations. Tesla wasn’t working with crystals in the capacity I was, but he did seem to hold them in very high regard. Reading this work sent me down two other rabbit holes: crystals in tech, and quantum physics.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, I decided that I like the use of crystals in spiritual and healing spaces. As with any tool or modality, I fear that there is room for abuse. Please always do your own research from reputable sources. Trust your gut. If someone is trying to sell you a $600 crystal that they SWEAR is going to fix everything, they are swindling you. On the other hand, if you are walking through a little shop and feel drawn to a crystal, let it tell you where you can shift your focus and help create the life you want to live. They are a fun and pretty addition to what you are already doing to support your mental and physical health. They may not help, but they certainly can’t hurt. So, throw them on your mantle or toss them in your window, sleep with them, meditate with them; just don’t put anything in water without checking if it is safe! Do your own research, have your own experiences, but remember intentional action and doing the inner work are always going to be what dictates your life.
I’d love to hear from you! Have you had any interesting experiences with crystals? Do you have questions about how to incorporate them into your life? Share your thoughts and questions in the comments below.
With love and compassion,
Mia Marie
