Facing Domestic Violence: My Journey with DV and the Fight for Freedom

For the third installment in this series where I am sharing my story to bring awareness to Domestic Violence, we are discussing my husband. I am opting not to change his name. While I still carry his last name, I will continue to use his real name. He has kept us linked despite my repeated attempts to legally divorce him. Brad. Just Brad, not Bradley. 

I met Brad after I sabotaged a relationship that was actually healthy in comparison to the others we’ve discussed. When you’ve been fed dysfunction, healthy environments feel like the problem. Once again, we start out strong with love-bombing. Everyone leads with their best face, few seem to be able to keep that same momentum. 

When Brad and I met I was living with my friend’s family. She had just experienced a massive set of traumas and I wanted to be there for her and I wanted out of the life that I was building. It’s important to recognize one’s own patterns. My friend had a large family and a small home, as such there was no privacy. 

Due to this, it wasn’t long before Brad rented an apartment directly next to my friend's home. It wasn’t long after that that I moved in with him. Brad had a child that he literally tricked me into meeting long before I was ready. I should have walked then. This was a clear overstepping f my boundaries, we had discussed how I was fine with him having a child but I was in no uncertain terms not ready to meet him. He invited me out on a date the following weekend without telling me that he had his child. 

This was a test of my boundaries, and I failed. I remember using this as a point later when I said I felt tricked and trapped while trying to convince anyone to let me play Runaway Bride on my wedding day. I swear not one person at my wedding actually loved me, I wouldn’t realize that until many many years later, unfortunately.

I remember that shortly after we started dating I told Brad something that I didn’t know why I felt was important. I told him that if he ever hit me he needed to make sure he could knock me out. I black out when I’m hit and my ancestors fight for me. (This is true and tested.) Further, he had better make sure that if he knocks me out I never see his face again, because if I saw his face no one else would. Sure, I was still carrying the trauma of Tyson, but I think my spirit knew I was in danger.

The first time this was confirmed for me was when he picked a fight over something stupid, I'm sure. I tried to leave to go calm down. Have I mentioned I have anger issues? Well, really I have I won’t be mistreated issues and a fear of jail, but not death. When I tried to leave he blocked my exit. I don’t remember HOW it came to be but the next thing I know my friend’s father is pounding on our door. He quickly and succinctly reminded Brad that his behavior was unbecoming of a Christian man and that mistreatment of his daughter (me, not my friend) would not be tolerated. 

It was shortly after that interaction that Brad decided we needed to find an apartment in town. So we found the cheapest apartment we could. Y’all it had carpet in the bathroom. If you find yourself in a situation that has carpet in the bathroom this is the universe's way of telling you you do not belong there. 😂 

I spent most of the time in my relationship with Brad walking on eggshells. Between him starting stupid fights, reacting unpredictably to normal, everyday frustrations, and my involvement with the Pentecostal church I made myself smaller and smaller to fit the patriarchal ideas of what it meant to be a Christian Wife. 

To highlight the emotional immaturity that presented itself as abuse; I have two stories for you. 

We went camping with a few friends one weekend. I was working, so I drove to and from the campsite every day. One day he and his friend decided to rent some kayaks or something and go on a little river trip. They took a wrong turn somewhere, got lost and didn’t have service for hours. By the time Brad was able to call me, he had no idea where he was. He had been drinking, and that didn’t help. It took my friend and I at least an hour to find these fellas.

The whole time we were on the phone Brad berated me. This was clearly all my fault. I hadn’t properly prepared him. How I was supposed to do that I have no clue, I didn’t touch my first kayak until 2021 and hadn’t been on or in a river until 2024. I wasn’t fully silenced just yet so I defended myself. To my recollection, I tried to de-escalate him several times before finally losing my temper. 

By the time I lost my temper, we were back where our other vehicle had been parked. He, drunk, hopped into the driver’s side of my beat-up Buick. I was trying to take the keys out of the ignition from outside the driver’s side of the vehicle. He threw that bitch in reverse and punched the gas - hitting me with the side view mirror. I was gaslighted by the ENTIRE group of witnesses. To my recollection, it was my friend, his friend, and my friend's brother. They told me it was an accident. Do y’all want me to dive into the dynamics of that family and why they would gaslight me? I have Tea. Let me know in the comments.

The second story is about the night I left. Leading up to this night there was a denial of intimate relations, cyclical fights every two weeks, a refusal to leave me alone when I asked for space, and chasing me out of the house to continue arguments on the public streets of our neighborhood. There was also the day that I lost my patience and I backed him 15 feet across our apartment telling him that if he ever denied me space to process again there would be hell to pay. 

The night I left, Brad was drunk because he had been invited out by co-workers. Before he left for work that day we agreed that I would pick him up from the bar later and that I would be asking my uncle for the title to the vehicle we were buying. This request didn’t sit right with me, I gently tried to explain that I knew my uncle and he wouldn’t be doing that. Didn’t matter. Brad - Husband. Me - Wife. Me must submit. (grammar is a style choice due to the absolute cave-man mentality of it.)

So, I brought it up with my uncle who laughed in my face. As I predicted. I assured my uncle that I understood and it was not me asking. We had a normal visit and I went home to clean and wait for Brad to call me. Around 1 AM I went to get him. He was in the car, in a good mood until he asked me about the title. I had to tell him that my uncle said no. My fault, clearly. I wasn’t good enough at persuading him. I was stupid, worthless, a bitch. I was scared, that’s what I was. So I flip a turn signal on to make the turn to take him to his father’s to cool off. 

Brad always hated it when I would take alternative routes anyway. Very controlling that way. That night it further enraged him. How could I take him to his father’s just who the fuck did I think he was. He grabbed my thumb and the steering wheel and yanked in the opposite direction. He almost broke my thumb so we just went home.

When we got home I started packing my bags and called my friend. She was on speaker as he continued to rage on and on. She heard him threaten my cats, her, her brother, her father, my uncle, and eventually me. Before she got there, he had me backed into a literal corner where he threatened to take my life, fist cocked back and everything. I remember locking eyes with him, I remember wanting to goad him but thinking better of it I remained silent as we were deadlocked for what felt like lifetimes. 

We are still in a kind of deadlock to this day. I’ve tried to initiate a divorce on a couple of occasions only to have him refuse to work with me in any way. He acted like he would and when it came down to the wire, he went silent. Partially, I am at fault. I know there are ways to go around him to get it done. They are emotionally and financially more expensive than remaining married to him. I lost so much to this man and I am stubborn in that I would rather die married to him than spend another dime trying to untangle our connection. 

That being said, I feel bad for his current and future girlfriends. I’ve made his current girlfriend aware of the back story and underscored that he has been refusing to divorce me since 2013. I have proof of that. I also underscored that the reason WHY he refuses is that it is the last game of power and control he has over me. While I recognize that people heal, grow, and change, given my husband’s most recent display I don’t think he has. To the current girlfriend, I hope you can get out. You deserve better.

I deserved better and I am thankful that I was able to recognize that. I am also thankful for the support system I had in my life at that time. Even if my friend's mother, and my own mother, would encourage me to stay with him. My friend’s mother came at it from a Christian perspective. My mother came at it from a health insurance perspective. I was physically safe, but it would take years to find emotional safety. 

If any of my stories have felt familiar to you, I am so sorry. Abusers use the same toolkit. This is actually good news because if we educate ourselves on that toolkit we become harder to manipulate, harder to abuse and can better help our loved ones identify the signs and symptoms of abuse. Please seek help if you are in an abusive situation. You can find resources HERE. You deserve to be safe, loved, and cared for. Even if you have to find a way to provide that for yourself with help, of course.

With love and compassion, 

Mia Marie