The Cult of Family: Understanding Toxic Family Dynamics & Breaking Free from Cult-Like Structures

The Cult of Family: How Toxic Families Operate Like Evangelical Sects

I grew up in a family that functioned more like a cult than a place of love and support. Back then, I didn’t have the words for it. I just knew that love felt like fear, that loyalty meant erasing yourself. But when you’re raised in it, you don’t question it—you survive it. And if evangelical Christianity was part of that foundation, like it was for me, the indoctrination ran even deeper. A singular authority with “subservient” leaders upholding the narrative of truth and perfection. The matriarch/patriarch over the children who would eventually grow up to play their own roles within this toxic system—breaking down an individual’s self-worth or self-expression.

Toxic families have their roles, and much like in cults, they each serve to enforce the narrative and the power structure. These roles protect the system, isolate the individual, and perpetuate the dysfunction.

The Golden Child and the Scapegoat: Divine Favor and the Sinner

Cults have their chosen ones and their cautionary tales. My family was no different. There was the golden child—the one who played the role perfectly. And then there was me—the one who saw through the illusion, who refused to submit. I became the problem, the disappointment, the one whispered about in pity and disdain. Much like evangelical purity culture glorifies the obedient and shames the defiant, my fate was sealed the moment I refused to be who they wanted me to be. I was cast as the "Sinner," while the golden child was hailed as the perfect example of virtue and compliance.

But it’s not just a simple dichotomy. Toxic families and cults thrive on having a cast of supporting characters, each with a specific function in keeping the power structure intact.

Flying Monkeys and Prayer Warriors: Enforcers of the Narrative

In these toxic systems, there are those who act as Flying Monkeys—the enforcers, the ones who rally behind the narrative. These are the prayer warriors, the ones who, at first glance, may appear to be the loving protectors of the family. But in reality, they function as gatekeepers for the system, demanding loyalty to the family at all costs. These individuals may not see themselves as tools of control, but they are often manipulated into this role, either out of blind loyalty or the need for validation. They play the role of defenders, protecting the family’s image, and ensuring that any criticism or dissent is crushed before it can spread.

These are also the gossips—the ones who circulate the family’s secrets under the guise of concern or care. They pass judgment, controlling the flow of information and ensuring that no one challenges the status quo. They may be well-meaning, but they still serve to perpetuate the dysfunction by isolating the truth and preventing honest conversation.

The Mascot, The Manipulators, and The Lost Child: Survival Strategies

Every toxic family or cult has its mascots—the ones who distract, deflect, and keep things from getting too real. This is often the “lost child” or the “addict,” someone who has learned that their survival lies in staying invisible. The mascot often minimizes the severity of the situation by joking, laughing, or being the one to keep the peace. The mascot becomes a distraction, keeping the focus away from the cracks in the family facade.

But not all roles are played with innocence. There are also the manipulators—the ones who twist information, create division, and use emotional leverage to keep the system running smoothly. These are the parents, siblings, or family members who actively control the narrative, using guilt, shame, or even love to keep others in line. They dictate how others should behave, think, and feel, often turning even the simplest interactions into power struggles.

Lack of Respect for Boundaries: The Erosion of Self

One of the most damaging aspects of toxic families is their utter lack of respect for boundaries. In a cult-like family structure, privacy and individuality are not allowed. The family’s needs, desires, and expectations always come first, and if you attempt to separate yourself—emotionally, physically, or mentally—you are met with resistance.

Boundaries aren’t just disrespected; they’re actively invaded. Your personal space is ignored, your emotions are dismissed, and any attempt to assert your own needs is met with extreme conflict or hostility. If you attempt to express your truth, you're labeled rebellious or ungrateful. The result is a deep erosion of self-worth, as you are constantly forced to navigate between what you feel and what the family expects of you.

Fear as a Tool of Control: The Threat of Abandonment

Much like the fear-based tactics used in cults, toxic families weaponize fear to keep you in line. Fear of sin, fear of punishment, fear of being cast out—all of these fears are used to ensure loyalty to the family system. My family wielded fear just as effectively. They made sure I understood the cost of stepping out of line. Speak up, and you’re the enemy. Walk away, and you’ll regret it forever. They didn’t need chains to keep me in line; they had guilt, obligation, and the ever-present threat of abandonment.

My mother was strong enough to step out of line in her original toxic structure, and I am thankful she modeled that for her children. This chain my mother broke for herself took a new form with her children. Instead of being afraid her family would abandon her, she became afraid that her children would abandon her. The irony is, her inability to detach from her mother out of apparent compassion or fear is exactly what enabled the behaviors that would drive her children out of her life.

Perfectionism and Unrealistic Expectations: The Unreal Standard

In a toxic family or cult, perfectionism is used as a measure of worth. The expectation is clear: you must meet these unrealistic standards, or you’re a failure. The family or the cult creates an idealized version of what each member should be, and there’s no room for deviation. If you fail to meet these expectations, you are met with criticism, ridicule, and rejection.

In these systems, nothing is ever enough. Whether it’s academic success, personal achievements, or even emotional maturity, you are constantly reminded that you are inadequate. This creates a sense of constant striving, but no matter how much you give, it’s never enough to win their approval. The more you try, the deeper you fall into the cycle of self-doubt and self-sacrifice.

Breaking Free: Reclaiming Your Truth

Leaving a toxic family system feels like leaving a cult. It means unlearning everything you were taught to believe about yourself. It means confronting the grief of realizing that what you wanted—real love, real safety—was never there to begin with. It means recognizing that their “love” was never love at all. It was compliance. And when I stopped complying, I stopped existing to them.

But here’s the thing: They told me I would be lost without them. That I would fail. That I would come crawling back.

They were wrong.

I wasn’t lost when I left. I was only ever lost while I was with them.

This Week’s Spotlight:

Daniella Mestyanek Young, author of UnCULTured, brings invaluable insight into cults and cult-like structures through her personal experience. Known for her comforting (to me) and thought-provoking takes, especially in these uncertain times, Daniella offers a unique perspective on healing and resilience. You can find her sharing her wisdom on YouTube and TikTok under the handles @knittingcultlady and @KnittingCultCaptain. She also has a couple of podcasts worth listening to.

With Love,
Mia Marie